When you stop and look at your favorite films, books, poems, songs...whatever it is that does it for you...you can learn a little bit about yourself.
For instance...this afternoon, I learned something about me.
...I'm a dark, cynical, and semi-horrible person.
And I'm just proud enough of that fact to qualify as pretentious.
Here's what I mean:
My favorite films? Fight Club. Pi. The Apostle. The Story of Us. Pleasantville. Requiem for a Dream.
My favorite poets? Edgar Allen Poe. Emily Dickinson. Byron, Shelley, Browning.
My favorite contemporary writers? Chuck Palahunik, Stephen King.
My favorite books in the Bible? Job. Ecclesiastes.
OK, enough of listing stuff. The point is, I tend to gravitate toward the darker side of things, I think. I don't wear the white makeup with the black lipstick, I don't light candles and sit in the center of pentagrams, and I've yet to slaughter a live animal for any reason other than damnit, that cat had it coming. I'm not a goth kind of guy. However, I think I find a lot of satisfaction, contentment, peace and sometimes even beauty in the darker things of life.
I think suffering is powerful, just like joy. Somewhere along the line, our Western minds became convinced that our lives should, for the most part, be dedicated to erradicating as much pain and discomfort as possible in our lives. If we're self-serving, it's about eliminating our pain (see: free refills, heated car seats, antibacterial dish soap) . If we're altruistic, it's about eliminating the pain of others (see: Hurricane Katrina relief, medicare, consoling a crying friend). Either way, the problem is, after a while I think we fail to see the beauty and progress of pain. Don't get me wrong, the things above can be great things...Lord knows I take full advantage of the free refills thing, and if it weren't for wireless internet access, I probably would have stopped writing long ago). Joy can be a wonderful experience...it can teach, it can change, it can inspire. But so can misery. There is very little good in the world that didn't come out of something either thriving or dying, or often both. It's just kind of how things are done...it's entropy, it's fertilizer, it's the Crucifixion. Somehow, pain brings joy, anguish brings ecstacy, death brings life.
I wrote a piece of advice to a friend who was in a rough time and was tired of being told "things will get better." Here's what I wrote...I'd love to know if you agree...or if I just made a bad thing worse:
---
Dear [Friend's Name],
I'm not going to tell you to cheer up. Or that it's going to get better. Or that life doesn't suck.
Life does suck. Sometimes. Sometimes it f@#$ing hurts, in fact. Is it going to get better? I hope so. I don't know. It seems like it should. But it didn't for everybody...there is no happy ending for this life guaranteed. In fact, some of the people who loved God the most and served God the best ended up dying miserable, drunk, naked and/or bleeding. That sucks. Life can really suck.
I don't want to cheer you up. That's the really fun part...I don't think you need to feel better. In our culture, we look for the remedy. Our primary concern is our comfort (and I am no different, it's my primary concern if I'm truly honest with myself), and part of comfort is finding ways to quell discomfort. We want to feel better...it's how we're built, perhaps...but it's equally about how we're taught. Comfort is king in the States...go anywhere else for any length of time, and you'll see what I mean.
So, we value what we see as healing... that is to say, we value feeling better. I know I do. But that's not necessarily the answer, and it sure as heck isn't necessarily healing.
Hurt. Cry. Sob, and put your head in your hands, and ask God why. Regret. Writhe, even. Pain is real, and is very, very human. At the same time, please know that we know what pain is because we know it's opposite. For each hurt, there is comfort. For each mourning, there is celebration. For each anguish-ridden moment, there is an ecstasy. And each side of each of these dualities is equally valuable. You will not recognize joy if you have not known pain. You will not recognize comfort if you haven't known hurt.
I'm not trying to sound Eastern here. I'm a fat American like anybody else. I've just found this truth in my life...pain is life, just like joy. And that, in itself, makes pain sacred. Your regret means your heart continues to beat, and that makes you way better off than most of the people who have walked the Earth. Embrace this pain. Your tears are real, and they hurt, and it sucks...and thank God that's true. You are truly alive.
I hope it doesn't get better. I hope it just feels more like reality, and that reality makes you feel more alive...joyous or miserable...more alive.
Peace,
Justin
Friday, October 21, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Baby, I hear the blues a’calling…
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
I’m writing this blog entry from the 23rd floor of a hotel in downtown Seattle. This is my first visit to…umm…(does Seattle have a nickname?)….the ol’ “Big Grungy.” And I learned a few things about this amazing city.
1. I kind of want to live here. The best part is the weather. The temperature peaks out at around 80-degrees during the summer, and bottoms out at around 35 (on average) during the coldest days of winter. This, of course, as compared to Cincinnati, where the temperature peaks out somewhere in the middle of July at around 1,168-degrees (with heat index, of course), and bottoms out around –40 somewhere the-day-after-that-day-in-mid-July. Sure it rains a lot, but there is plenty of coffee to keep you perky, and if for some reason you manage to get yourself into the murky depths of serious depression, you can always buy a flannel shirt, start a rock band and do very well here.
2. Starbucks is quite popular here. Let me tell you a very brief anecdote about that quaint little coffee franchise. I got done making some copies at FedEx/Kinkos (does anybody remember when these two merged? It’s a little creepy…like finding out your uncle married your sister, and you didn’t know until you saw her new last name on her mailbox), and made the grave mistake of asking the clerk, “Do you know if there is a Starbucks around here?” I’m not kidding, this was her actual reply…
ME: Hey, do you know if there is a Starbucks around here?
KINKOS LADY: Sure, there’s one across the street, about two stores North.
ME: Oh great, I’ll just—
KINKOS LADY: That one gets kind of busy sometimes, though…so you might want to try the one half a block down the street to the right
ME: OK…thanks for the—
KINKOS LADY: Actually, now that I think about it, your best bet is probably to go to the one on the first floor of the Wells Fargo building on the corner.
ME: Right, I’ll just—
KINKOS LADY: Nevermind, that one never has anywhere to sit. Go to the one on the third floor.
ME: Third floor of what?
KINKOS LADY: (Blank stare) …of the Wells Fargo building.
ME: I thought you said it was on the first floor.
KINKOS LADY: (Blanker stare) …No, that’s the older one. The newer one is on the third floor.
ME: There are two Starbucks in the same building?
KINKOS LADY: (Black-hole-ish stare) ….ummm….yeah…but if you want it really quick, just go to the one in the lobby.
ME: Of…the Wells Fargo Building?
KINKOS LADY: Yeah, the selection of pastries and stuff isn’t as good, but the service is quicker. I’d go to that one.
ME: ----.
I’m not making this up. I really felt like asking her if perhaps the owners of the FedEx/Kinkos/Wheaties/UnitedOilConsortium I was standing in had considered putting a Starbucks franchise in the men’s room to save us all a lot of unnecessary walking. I didn’t though, as it would have been rude…or worse, would have just encouraged her to do just such a thing. You gotta admit, though…it’s damn fine coffee.
3. If you’re going to live on a coast, live on a giant sound in the Pacific Northwest. Man, it is stunning up here. Rocky beaches, sure…but where else can you see rippling ocean waters, majestic snow-capped mountain peaks, towering jagged rows of distant pines, and, for the love of crap, a giant building shaped like a needle that somebody tried to a string a UFO through. This place is gorgeous, friendly, and well planned. Traffic is manageable, sirens are few and far between, and it’s just overpriced enough to make a guy feel really cosmopolitan.
Don’t get me wrong here…I’m not leaving Cincy any time soon. But it is nice to see a little more of the USA. I expect I’ll be doing a lot of that in the coming months, and I’m really looking forward to it.
I took a job at a market research firm in Cincinnati called Seek, Inc. I’d point you to the website, but it ain’t much to look at now, as it’s in the middle of a huge redesign. It is a small company…12 employees last I counted…which makes company picnics as easy as a Ford Econoline and a $75 gift certificate to Chipotle. I love the work, and I’ll tell you more about it soon. In the meantime, suffice to say I think this gig will use a lot of the things God built me to do, and hopefully I will be good enough at it to do it for a while. We’ll see, and I’ll keep you posted.
As for things at VCC…I am going part-time there starting on Monday of next week. We’re interviewing for my replacement now. Why I left is a topic for another post, but I’ll tell you that I left on excellent terms…that I still love my church, that there is absolutely no scandal or behind-the-scenes ugliness involved, and that I have never enjoyed my job more than I have in the last six months. It was just time to go…nothing too fancy, nothing secretive…it was just time to move on. So I am. I am really looking forward to finding someone to replace me who shines in totally different ways, and I’m looking forward to volunteering for him/her some day. In the meantime, I’m going to help out at VCC on a 15-hour-per-week basis, and hopefully I can continue to contribute something of value in the coming months.
I’m looking forward to telling you about the new gig. I’m hoping that all the airplane time and hotel-room time that I’ll be spending with this new job will afford me the opportunity to blog a bit more often…we’ll see. Either way, if you’re the praying type, please put in a few for Stacy and I as we figure out how to live as Stacy the teacher and Justin the qualitative research guy…I have no idea what that means, but I reckon I better figure it out soon. Better yet, let’s just hope we learn to live as Justin and Stacy in a way that we never have before, and that this new job becomes my first job to remain just that.
Peace,
Justin
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
I’m writing this blog entry from the 23rd floor of a hotel in downtown Seattle. This is my first visit to…umm…(does Seattle have a nickname?)….the ol’ “Big Grungy.” And I learned a few things about this amazing city.
1. I kind of want to live here. The best part is the weather. The temperature peaks out at around 80-degrees during the summer, and bottoms out at around 35 (on average) during the coldest days of winter. This, of course, as compared to Cincinnati, where the temperature peaks out somewhere in the middle of July at around 1,168-degrees (with heat index, of course), and bottoms out around –40 somewhere the-day-after-that-day-in-mid-July. Sure it rains a lot, but there is plenty of coffee to keep you perky, and if for some reason you manage to get yourself into the murky depths of serious depression, you can always buy a flannel shirt, start a rock band and do very well here.
2. Starbucks is quite popular here. Let me tell you a very brief anecdote about that quaint little coffee franchise. I got done making some copies at FedEx/Kinkos (does anybody remember when these two merged? It’s a little creepy…like finding out your uncle married your sister, and you didn’t know until you saw her new last name on her mailbox), and made the grave mistake of asking the clerk, “Do you know if there is a Starbucks around here?” I’m not kidding, this was her actual reply…
ME: Hey, do you know if there is a Starbucks around here?
KINKOS LADY: Sure, there’s one across the street, about two stores North.
ME: Oh great, I’ll just—
KINKOS LADY: That one gets kind of busy sometimes, though…so you might want to try the one half a block down the street to the right
ME: OK…thanks for the—
KINKOS LADY: Actually, now that I think about it, your best bet is probably to go to the one on the first floor of the Wells Fargo building on the corner.
ME: Right, I’ll just—
KINKOS LADY: Nevermind, that one never has anywhere to sit. Go to the one on the third floor.
ME: Third floor of what?
KINKOS LADY: (Blank stare) …of the Wells Fargo building.
ME: I thought you said it was on the first floor.
KINKOS LADY: (Blanker stare) …No, that’s the older one. The newer one is on the third floor.
ME: There are two Starbucks in the same building?
KINKOS LADY: (Black-hole-ish stare) ….ummm….yeah…but if you want it really quick, just go to the one in the lobby.
ME: Of…the Wells Fargo Building?
KINKOS LADY: Yeah, the selection of pastries and stuff isn’t as good, but the service is quicker. I’d go to that one.
ME: ----.
I’m not making this up. I really felt like asking her if perhaps the owners of the FedEx/Kinkos/Wheaties/UnitedOilConsortium I was standing in had considered putting a Starbucks franchise in the men’s room to save us all a lot of unnecessary walking. I didn’t though, as it would have been rude…or worse, would have just encouraged her to do just such a thing. You gotta admit, though…it’s damn fine coffee.
3. If you’re going to live on a coast, live on a giant sound in the Pacific Northwest. Man, it is stunning up here. Rocky beaches, sure…but where else can you see rippling ocean waters, majestic snow-capped mountain peaks, towering jagged rows of distant pines, and, for the love of crap, a giant building shaped like a needle that somebody tried to a string a UFO through. This place is gorgeous, friendly, and well planned. Traffic is manageable, sirens are few and far between, and it’s just overpriced enough to make a guy feel really cosmopolitan.
Don’t get me wrong here…I’m not leaving Cincy any time soon. But it is nice to see a little more of the USA. I expect I’ll be doing a lot of that in the coming months, and I’m really looking forward to it.
I took a job at a market research firm in Cincinnati called Seek, Inc. I’d point you to the website, but it ain’t much to look at now, as it’s in the middle of a huge redesign. It is a small company…12 employees last I counted…which makes company picnics as easy as a Ford Econoline and a $75 gift certificate to Chipotle. I love the work, and I’ll tell you more about it soon. In the meantime, suffice to say I think this gig will use a lot of the things God built me to do, and hopefully I will be good enough at it to do it for a while. We’ll see, and I’ll keep you posted.
As for things at VCC…I am going part-time there starting on Monday of next week. We’re interviewing for my replacement now. Why I left is a topic for another post, but I’ll tell you that I left on excellent terms…that I still love my church, that there is absolutely no scandal or behind-the-scenes ugliness involved, and that I have never enjoyed my job more than I have in the last six months. It was just time to go…nothing too fancy, nothing secretive…it was just time to move on. So I am. I am really looking forward to finding someone to replace me who shines in totally different ways, and I’m looking forward to volunteering for him/her some day. In the meantime, I’m going to help out at VCC on a 15-hour-per-week basis, and hopefully I can continue to contribute something of value in the coming months.
I’m looking forward to telling you about the new gig. I’m hoping that all the airplane time and hotel-room time that I’ll be spending with this new job will afford me the opportunity to blog a bit more often…we’ll see. Either way, if you’re the praying type, please put in a few for Stacy and I as we figure out how to live as Stacy the teacher and Justin the qualitative research guy…I have no idea what that means, but I reckon I better figure it out soon. Better yet, let’s just hope we learn to live as Justin and Stacy in a way that we never have before, and that this new job becomes my first job to remain just that.
Peace,
Justin
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