This is a post about epicureanism, about Jesus, and about my dead fish.
I'll start with the latter.
This week, my fish died. He was a Beta, and his name was Sparky. As there was no funeral, please allow me to make my eulogy here.
When we were first married, Stacy and I attended an auction to raise money for my grade school. It was a good auction...we bought two things we couldn't afford for more than they were worth, which means the fundraiser went well. At the end of the night, the final thing to be auctioned off were the centerpieces on each table, which consisted of a rotund vase, filled with polished colored stones, with a green leafy plant poking out of the top and a Beta fish swimming around the plant's watery tendrils. I haven't owned a fish since I was five or so, and I was broke from buying whatever the heck it was we bought...so I was ready to pass. Happy and half-drunk auction attenders quickly snapped the fishy centerpieces up and, one by one, carried the large vases out with the lone fish inside of each sloshing around as its proud new owner toted it out.
As Stacy and I were leaving, a middle-aged woman with too much perfume and a very friendly smile came up to us with her own fish-in-a-jar, and begged us to take it, as her husband didn't seem to want a new pet as much as she did. Sparky had been a pet for all of five minutes, and already he was an orphan being moved into a foster home. Poor guy.
We took him. And for the last four years, he's been with us. He swam his lazy circles while we laughed, while we talked about getting pregnant, while we fought, while we tinked wine glasses to toast our first home purchase, while we celebrated my new job, while we cried over Stacy's first job (long story), and he swam while we did the thing married people do. We fed him as frequently as we remembered to, which probably averaged out to about once every week or so. Stacy changed the bowl water every month...give or take...mostly take. The plant that Sparky shared his bowl with has long since died, but Sparky pressed on. In fact, he pressed on, even when we went on vacation and forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks. He pressed on when we tried to change his water and dropped him on the floor. He pressed on when we moved the bowl to a place where we couldn't see it over the Christmas holiday, and thereby forgot to change the water for a couple of months. He even pressed on when he slipped by the sieve we use when we change his water and dropped right down into the garbage disposal...I had to fish him out with my hand, and he pressed on.
Sparky was a survivor.
And for some reason, that meant a lot to me. I'm not kidding...I really liked Sparky. I liked him more than the cats...which bothers me, because Sparky was free and required no effort at all, and the cats are expensive and loud and, let's face it, they're cats, which sucks. He pressed on, day after day, year after year, and never asked for much. I miss Sparky.
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This ends the eulogy. And begins the other bit.
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I had a very strange night a couple of nights ago. I was in Philadelphia working, and met up with a friend in Philly for a beer. Whilst sipping a stout dram of my favorite Scotch draught, two girls approached us and told a very long and complicated lie which I won't bother repeating but which was basically a long, stupid and highly involved pick-up line involving fake names and a greek man who doesn't really exist. As you might imagine, I opted out of the whole, "being picked up" thing. If you are wondering why right now, you haven't read enough of my blog or I haven't blogged enough of my love. I did, however, offer to play "wingman" for my very single friend, who is a bit of a ladies' man. To keep things short and tasteful, I spent the bulk of the evening talking to one girl about my marriage and her recent breakup, and he spent the bulk of the evening getting quite laid. He had a great time, she had a great time, and the girl I spoke with eventually left to meet up with some guys she met in the bar who had cocaine. And thus, the evening ended.
And I woke up the next morning and called my buddy and we had breakfast...and here's the thing...
...he was really happy.
He didn't sit down and say, "My god, man...I knew her for two hours before we had sex...what am I doing with my life?" He didn't say, "Man, I am so unfulfilled...I'm totally just living for myself...where's the bigger picture?" He sure as hell didn't say, "Justin, could you tell me about something better than this...like Jesus?"
In fact, he was really happy. He got to have sex with a pretty girl, and she was really excited about it, and they didn't have to exchange "I love you's" or digits or even learn each other's last names. And that's it. Lots of endorphins and fun and giggling and things that feel good when they touch you. And that was it.
Now don't get me wrong...I love sex. He loves sex. I do it with one person every time, he does it with different people. And that's totally cool with him.
That's what struck me...there was no gaping hole. There was no sense that, at the end of the day, he sits at the end of his bed and feels desperately alone and empty. There was no sense that he's missing a big chunk of his heart that only God could fill. He's a smart, successful, very cool guy, and he seems really generally pretty happy. And I think that's what confuses me so much.
When I was with Young Life ministry, we were told that every person needs Jesus. When I was with the Vineyard, we were told that every person has a God-shaped hole in their hearts/souls that calls out to be filled with what were offering. And those things may be true...but I don't know that I see it. And I don't know that those with the hole feel it as clearly as I assumed.
Truth is, epicureanism seems pretty great. It seems fun, and exciting, and somewhat fulfilling. Living each day as a hedonist seems like a pretty great way to live...and assuming you're not hurting other people, it's pretty hard to argue with. This presents a problem with evangelism as I know it.
How do you talk to someone about filling a hole in their hearts when they don't feel a hole? How do you tell somebody about Jesus's healing power when they don't feel sick? How do you share the story of Jesus fixed a broken you when he doesn't sense a broken him? And what happens when you don't sense a broken him?
I don't have answers. I want to know what you think. Christians speak up. Hedonists speak up. Christian hedonists, speak up. I need to think about this with other people.
Peace,
Justin
7 comments:
very interesting post. i'm reading lauren winner's book real sex currently. from what i've read so far, it doesn't directly address the question of how to tell people they need God to fill a void when they don't feel the void, though it does have great things to say about why sexual ethics matter even if belief in God isn't a factor and even if pregnancy/std's aren't a factor. i highly recommend it... (i think she does get into the 'how do you address not feeling guilty' question, but i'm not quite that far yet.)
but as to your question... i think a lot of people have needs they don't feel because they're numbing it with various things. everyone has brokenness in his/her life (come on, who doesn't?). sometimes it takes the removal of those 'various things,' the things one's depending on for equilibrium, to feel need. i'd propose fasting as a way to examine that...
i recently heard a message where the speaker challenged the audience to a fast from spending (other than basics like food, shelter, etc.). we were then challenged to examine the things we would have otherwise purchased, what are those things, why did we want them, etc. so often we're spending (or saving) money for reasons that have nothing to do with the particular items purchased. the same can be true for food. i brought a chocolate peanut butter fantasy cake from costco to the office, supposedly as a nice gesture for my co-workers. i ended up eating a bunch of chocolate cake this week (others did, too, but i ate many slices). sometimes it was because i wanted the cake as a treat (chocolate is yummy) since i usually don't eat lots of dessert, more often it was an unhealthy way of dealing with some stress or an unhealthy way of meeting hunger needs (i had healthy snacks that i left at home because i knew the cake was available) or just because it was there and calling my name. i've found that fasting from food on occasion has helped in understanding those dynamics, so i can see exactly what need (beyond hunger) i'm trying to meet by eating something unhealthy or too much/often. so yeah, if a friend came to me and said, 'i don't see why i need God,' i think i'd challenge her to a period of time without certain things that make her comfortable in life. i don't know how well that would work for non-self-medicators, though, honestly... and maybe the person would just conclude that they really do need the chocolate, beer, new clothes, sex, or whatever when the fast was over.
hmmm... few answers. but good questions, dude...
(and i loved your thoughts on sparky. very sweet. my condolences to you and stacy. :)
Ok, first let me say, I'm feeling for you about the fish. We have 4 cats inside, a few outside, 3 dogs and no fish, and I'm about to get one.
Now, let me say, that you just said what I've been saying for years. Personally, I've been with a lot of women (not bragging, just stating fact), I enjoy drinking, and occasionally getting drunk, and it is fun. My wife's pastor tries to say, "I don't see how getting a hangover is fun!" To which I always reply, "That's why God invented Gatorade." Anyhow, I'm not necessarily against this God thing for you, or anyone for that matter, but I just don't understand why you all have to "evangelize." I guess that is one of my biggest problems with the whole church dynamic. Of course I keep coming back and reading these BLOGS so...
Anyhow, what's wrong with just loving God as you see him and being nice to each other?
Perhaps the question should be, "What is this person looking for?" If someone's looking for the thrill of the moment, they're not going to worry about anything beyond that.
As far as evangelizing someone who feels that way, here's a novel concept: don't.
Now, before I get my Christian card taken away, let me explain: Don't have a relationship with this person with the goal of pushing them toward Christ. Instead, simply be there. Actually care about them. Be the servant you're called to be.
Just do that. The rest is up to God.
Scatter quick gut response here,....
First;.... Hebrews 11:25 - There is pleasure in Sin, bottom line.
I agree with Joshua, Don't "evangelize" in the traditional response. When a YL kid told me his life was great and didn't see the need for Christ, I told him then don't fix what's not broken. Trying to point out "a God shaped hole" (I never liked that analogy) when it is being medicated or avoided never really works. Just love them.
As a former atheist who has had good casual fun with the ladies and other things this world has to offer, it doesn't compare to knowing God. That is my experience.
Bottom line, sex is amazing. I have found it to be better with my wife than some bimbo,... but never the less any sex feels good (I am talking short-term, not factoring in the long-term ramifications... I have no real desire to debate that,.... bottom line is that is my experience).
I have found that all the Bible verses and Apologetics (science of God) aside, that my relationship with the God of the Universe is so much better, fulfilling, comforting, reassuring..... that any drug, sex, money, power (And I have had very good tastes of all).
It's like my marriage. Monogamy makes no sense from an orgasm standpoint. Having 3 kids and one more on the way really doesn't make sense considering I could live in a bigger house and drive a nicer car without those rugrats. But the deep relationship I have with my wife and kids surpasses all understanding. I would give up everything for the little buggers. And in a self-serving way, I am more complete now than when I was messing around and living "a fun lifestyle". My relationship with God is the same way, it's not an insurance policy, it is a wonderful relationship. I guess that is one of the reasons the Bible likens the marriage relationship so much to our relationship with God.
Justin, ... why did you turn the night of sex down? Your response to that question (outside the fact Stacy would have cut your nuts off) should help answer the questions you have posed here.
Love you man! Keith
Justin--
I never really thought of the "God shaped hole" thing as a marketing message, or a way to tap into the "felt need of the consumer" so much as something true about the nature of humans.
I agree with all the stuff that Keith just said (sex and other stuff is fun but god is better) and the stuff that Josh said (love people to love people not to sell) but in some ways I fear that by talking about Christianity merely as the alternative salve for the emotional wounds (i.e. some dudes are workaholics, some drink, some bone randoms, and instead I have Jesus) we miss the fact that the call of Christ isn't just emotionally appealing, it's also true.
Justin, I need some time to think about all the sex and God-shaped hole questions.
More importantly... tell me that "my favorite Scotch draught" is Bellhaven! If you do, I will swear that we are blood brothers (although I think you are Irish, like me.) If you say it's McEwan's I'll still respect you, but I will need to try to evangelize you to a better brew.
Let's get one sometime!
First of all, I have to say that this is a very interesting post. Justin, I must give you credit for writing about something that it seems like every Christian feels or considers from time to time, but that most are afraid to actually say out loud. I know at least it is something that I definitely consider from time to time.
You know what is funny, is that even though I am on Young Life staff, the word evangelism still really makes me feel weird. It has a lot of bad associations for me. A theme that I have been talking about this semester in club is something I read in a Rob Bell book, Velvet Elvis. It is about pulling back the curtain of life and looking behind. I believe that it is in those moments in life where we feel most alive that we can look behind the curtain and see Christ. Instead of the idea of being an evangelist, I like the idea of being a tour guide, walking along side of people in their lives, helping to point out places where God is at work.
I believe that being a Christian is about being connected with everything that is true and good and right. Everything that goes on around us, that reminds us that there is so much more going on around us than we realize. At times I feel like there is a God shaped hole in my heart, but that’s not the whole picture of faith for me. For me, it’s more about those moments of wonder and grace.
Really, I don’t have a complete answer to your question, but I thought it was interesting to think about, and I wanted to contribute to the conversation.
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