Friday, October 27, 2006

Sometimes revelation is a mountain-top. Sometimes it's church confessional. Sometimes it's a hospital bed. And, every once in a while, it's a long red light on your drive to work.

I didn't expect much from my drive to work yesterday. I was a bit sore from the workout, a bit full from a rare breakfast of eggs and toast, and more than a little anxious about all I had to get done before my noon meeting. I had my iPod plugged in to the car stereo (I have forgone driving with earbuds in; turns out it's fantastically illegal), and it was shuffling through it's 10-GB songload, flitting fickley between genres like a DJ with the very worst kind of ADHD. On I-71 at Smith-Edwards it was Billy Joel, at Kenwood it was Evanesence, and by the time I got to Pfieffer, Elvis Costello was half-finished whiney-warbling his way through one of my favorite love ballads of his, "She."

As I pulled up to the intersection of Kenwood and Pfieffer and waited at a red light whose greatest pleasure is letting everyone go straight and nobody turn left, a new song came on. And this is where the revelation begins.

The song came from a band that doesn't exist anymore, and the only album they ever made and that the vast majority of you have never heard. They were called "Dividing the Plunder," and consisted of a husband and wife just about my age. They live in Greater Cincy, and I came in contact with them when they came by VCC for a performance one weekend. I loved the song they sang, bought the album, and digitized it into my iTunes, where it now sits, nestled in the cultural warm front between Diana Krall and Dr. Dre.

It's a good album. Decent music, OK production, but great writing. That's what caught me. The writing.

The song that came on was called "Maybe It's Faith," and it goes like this:

(the full version...like, the kind with music in it...is on iTunes, I just checked).


---

“Maybe It’s Faith”
Dividing the Plunder - The Ordinary

I wish I had more to say.
It’s such a quiet room.
But today I can’t give voice to anything but doubt.
It starts doubt deep inside me
In my blood and in each cell.
And it makes it’s way to the blank look in my eyes
And the questions on my lips.

I wish I had less to say
It’s such a crowded room.
But the sun came up this morning
And it all began again.
The compulsion's is inside me
And it beats against my doors
It seeps into my sterile polished closet
Brings the skeletons outside.

There was a time I would have covered my face
I would have turned away
I would have broken my bones trying get out the door.
Here it is, come and take a good look.
Get out of the way.
Maybe it’s faith when I just don’t know for sure.

I wish I had a thousand books
To fill in what I’m missing
And a thousand days to read them
And a time back guarantee.
It starts down deep inside me
Every breath and every fiber.
And it makes it’s way up to the empty stare
And the tears on my face.

But I wish I’d never read a word
The answers were too easy
And I’m grown enough to know there’s more mystery than proof.
But it stirs down deep inside me.
And it stirs the dust of faith
Cries out to me about my hollow nature
And the desperate human need.

There was a time I would have covered my face
I would have turned away
I would have broken my bones trying get out the door.
Here it is, come and take a good look.
Get out of the way.
Maybe it’s faith when I just don’t know for sure.

And it’s a little more earthy than I’d like to believe
Like the holes in God’s hands
Like the dirt on God’s feet.
But I’m not alone in that it’s comfort more
Than I ever felt pretending I know anything for sure.

There was a time I would have covered my face
I would have turned away
I would have broken my bones trying get out the door.
Here it is, come and take a good look.
Get out of the way.
Maybe it’s faith when I just don’t know for sure.

---

This is where revelation came. It washed over me like a backrub. Maybe where I'm at is faith.

Yes, I've got more questions than answers. I always have, and I suspect I mostly will. I'm in a place right now where it seems I'm not sure about much. I'm searching for theology, a system to follow, a religion to belong to that I can reconcile well enough to play along. But I don't know that I'm searching for faith itself.

There was a time when the question itself scared the hell out of me. A search for spirituality is, inherently, a search for your own identity. And whenever you question your identity, you're questioning the very essence of who you are, as well as your relationships, your friendships, and everything you know about your social circles. To question fundamental Christianity is to question most of my young adult life, and that's scary. As the song says, "there was a time I would have covered my face, I would have turned away, I would have broken my bones trying to get out the door."

But I think that time is not now. I'm losing that fear. My previous post (Oct 04) was kind of a big deal for me...it's not that I have begun to have these questions, it's that I'm becoming unafraid of what it means that I've had them all along. I think theology can be a wonderful, powerful structure for understanding the entirely ununderstandable...but the quest is a little more earthy than I'd like to believe. It's blood, and it's dirt, and it's God...it's sacred, yes; but it's also human. I can't worship the quest, but I am beginning to recognize it's inherent value. I refuse to believe that God's primary concern is whether or not I had the single salvation experience at some point before I get hit by a bus...our lives are lived in a constant tension between sacred and secular, and our purpose seems to be more about navigating that tension rather than relieving it. The quest is not God, but the quest for God may be salvation itself.

I may find absolute truth, and a theology, existing or created, to match. And I may not. But I don't think I'm lacking faith. Maybe it's faith that I'm continuing to seek God, perhaps now more than ever, despite the personal and social ramifications that result from questioning the faith of my youth. Maybe it's faith that I believe that it's safe to question Christianity, because I believe that Christ himself is greater than both the religion and it's questioning, and that earnest pursuit of Him will inevitably land me in His presence.

I am in a hard period, but it is a good period. I don't know much, and I'm asking a lot. And I think I've long feared that I'm losing my faith because I can't claim the same outward surity I had in high school or college. But maybe it's faith that I just don't know for sure.

I've got a lot more to write to you about. It's about Manhattan, neon at 40 floors, and my brother the Esquire. But it's time to get to work now.

Peace,
Justin

169 comments:

Anonymous said...

Justin - awesome post man. They are still around, just changed their name to Ellery. Check out www.ellerymusic.com.

Jacob Addison said...

Sometimes I wish I could have just been one of the lucky few to see Jesus in action. To witness him spit in the dirt and complete the perfect lasik.

But I'm not.

I despise the "I know everything" theologian. There are people I know who have an answer for everything, and leave no mystery (or trails of humility). Perhaps that's what I appreciate the most about having such an immersion in Catholicism in my past. There's room for mysteries. Not the same ones I focus on, but mystery nonetheless. Protestantism is generally devoid of lack of knowledge... if that makes any sense at all.

What I know to be true is the acts of Jesus' hands that I have witnessed. Ironically enough most of those things correspond quite closely to scripture and hardly ever to a theology. Being beholden to a religious structure away from scripture is dangerous. Paul warns of us not to be of Apollos, but wouldn't he also advise against being of John Calvin?

I'm learning a lot lately about making my own decisions. Believing what I'm taught by Christ as opposed to those in my same unfortunate condition. I do believe there's absolute truth, but I don't think I'll ever fully know its extent - at least not here.

Philippians 1:6 says that he who started a good work in me will eventually finish it. I'm assuming that means that, in a way, I'm not going to have all of the answers until he does. I will always have things in my "theology" that are wrong. If I knew what they were, I'd change them now. Since I don't, I guess it's just about right to leave some room for mystery. Until then, I have an example to follow. And it never left much doubt for those who saw it.

Anonymous said...

Excellent post; can't wait for the next one.

I wholeheartedly agree with Jacob's comment. There are many in the Church who act as if they have all the answers, when in fact they don't.

There are those for whom no answer is ever necessary, those for whom no answer is ever good enough... then, there are the other 99 percent of us who fall somewhere in between.

Never be concerned about asking too much, or about being uncertain when it comes to your faith. Look at Gideon in Judges 6; even after hearing from God, he still had big-time doubts.

God never tires of questions, and He always is willing to find you, if you're willing to seek Him along the journey of life.

Anonymous said...

This is a comment I was gonna post in Steve Fuller's blog about his most recent post. I can't comment on his 'cause I don't have a Blogger account, so yours will have to do, ha ha. I reckon it fits here just as well:

Steve's position makes as much sense as anything I've heard in quite a while. Welcome to the rest of us!

I appreciated Mike's perspective as well.

Since I'm narcissistic enough to think everybody has a right to hear whatever I have to say about things, here's whatever I have to say about things:

From what I understood, Steve's not saying he's against God, just Scripture: "I'm saying that I'm not comfortable following God's lead with some of the things that seem to be true about him based on scripture"

Good for you! Me too! As if the totality of the will or heart of God could be summed up in a book! Ha! As if the Scripture was not a work of man, and thus subject to the follies of men! Ha! As if human beings were unable to be present to the vibrant, pulsating love of God without the help of a textbook! Nonsense. As if, without the help of a list of rules, we'd all be Hobbesian monkey-men, nasty, brutish, (short? ha ha), killing, raping, and stealing from each other, whenever we get the inclination. That does a BRUTAL disservice to the loving God that created us of His spirit, of His clay, of His essence. Are we awful at times? Yes. Are we beautiful at times? Yes. Are we neither at times? Yes. And do all those things, in the end, flow according to His undying love? Of course. As if it were possible to be otherwise.

You were a moral creature, a follower of God's law, long before you were a Christian and could even spell "Scripture". Probably moreso, I agree with the Bible there, ha ha. Nice NYT article to that effect:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/31/health/psychology/31book.html?_r=1&ref=science&oref=slogin

If Jesus came down from heaven tomorrow and said "I'm taking a break for a week. Seriously guys, no rules. Do what you want. That's my will.", would all the Christians in town riot and eat a puppy? Of course not. "Consume" is only part of your glorious nature.

Anyway, most Christians I know come to understand the primacy of Scripture by a higher power than Scripture: revelation. Thank God, because beliving Scripture because Scripture says it's true is circular and ridiculous. Remember back at Young Life camp when you heard God knocking at your heart to accept Christ and Scripture? And you're flooded with the joy of the Spirit? That's revelation, and that lets you know it's okay to believe, even against all odds, and against all the critics, and against popular culture, and whatever else, that Christ died for you and all the rest. You didn't do years of biblical scholarship to ascertain the Bible's veracity. It was revealed to you. You based your belief on a FEELING. You were touched by God's love. You did the scholarship later to try to defend your belief and find out why you had that feeling. What was its nature, and what does it mean that you had it? Suddenly, you have the feeling that everything, FINALLY, makes some sense. Like CS Lewis says, "I believe in God like I believe in the Sun: not because I see it, but because by it I see everything else". Or something to that effect. Life starts making sense. And "sense" that's a feeling too. But the feeling comes first.

So, what then? What if suddenly you have another revelation? What if God sends you the revelation that believing in the primacy of Scripture is not in keeping with His true plan for you? Ignore that? But wait, wasn't that the license you had to sew a seed of faith in the beginning? Yeah, but doesn't the Scripture warn us about revelations that aren't in accordance with Scripture? Sure, but then you're letting Scripture determine your belief in Scripture, which is, of course, circular.

You listened to your heart when getting in to fundamentalist Christianity. I applaud and welcome you as you follow it on out. God is bigger than a book. I know because He reveals it to me every day.

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