I had an idea this morning...

We should have an all car-accidents public television station. I know, it sounds morbid and exploitative, and it probably is, but we could have some rules about it. No blood. No serious injuries. No death. Just heavy-duty fender-benders. I know people would watch...in fact, advertising could be sold at a premium, and the money used to pay production costs. Non-profit here...it's all in the public interest. The benefits to society are many, but my top three are as follows:

1. It would put an end to "rubbernecking." This morning, on I-71, there was an accident on the Northbound side. Northbound traffic stopped for the most part, and for a good reason: there was a pile of car sitting in the center lane, later moved to the berm. The problem was that traffic also slowed, almost to a halt, on the Southbound side. Why? Because people wanted to see what a car accident looks like. Well, heck, man, let's show 'em! Once you've seen a few hundred on TV, you won't bother to slow down for the one on the road; it's probably not nearly as interesting as that five-car that aired last night!

2. It would dissuade drivers from driving recklessly. On a channel dedicated to car accidents, you're going to have plenty of time for commentary. Perhaps even play-by-play. "There she is, talking on her cell phone...she looks distracted...she's putting on some lipstick...and OH! OH MY GOODNESS! WOW, THE AIRBAGS WERE ALL OUT ON THAT ONE!" People will begin to see patterns. They'll notice the statistical correlative between eating lunch while driving and eating airbag. And, with time, people will begin to understand that you can't necessarily do your taxes and get your '98 Sunfire to work at the same time.

3. In the ever-growing quest to gather more and better video footage, cameras would be installed in busy intersections. These cameras would not be the type to catch speeders (let's face it, I'm no masochist), which require lightning-fast shutters and a dramatic zoom-in on the cars, but rather would be HD cameras, mounted, let's say, two per intersection, which track movement and follow cars, just waiting for their chance to capture that evening's prime-time moment. Why would this be a bonus to society? These cameras would provide very clear evidence in post-accident court proceedings, which would dramatically reduce the time and personell necessary to conduct these proceedings, saving tremendous amounts of resources for our already over-burdened court system. As a side-bonus, these cameras could also be used to track stolen cars, fleeing vehicles, and even spot panhandlers and grifters before they can hit their marks.

We're talking about cheap production, high-interest public television programming. Once you install the cameras and the monitoring system, hire a few monitors and an editor or two, you're almost finished. Car companies, brake companies, collision repair services would fall over each other to get time on this network. Each car would vie to be the "safest car on the road," with their accidents clearly showing their side-impact crumple zones, all-passenger airbags, and anti-lock anti-skid brakes. The ratings would be huge, the advertising lucrative, and the system would pay for itself.

This is the future of television.

Peace,
Justin